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Skenario Menginterogasi Penjahat Berdasar Tehnik Sinetron

Lokasi : sebuah kantor polisi

Aku berjalan di lorong gelap menuju ruang interogasi bersama partnerku. Panggilan tugas pagi ini memaksaku untuk tidak berpatroli dulu dan langsung menginterogasi penjahat, yang menurut partnerku 'memiliki dampak hubungan kausal bilateral sistemik berdampak lanjut insidensil internasional' atau apalah maksudnya. Mungkin semalam dia kebanyakan nulis surat tilang. Sebelum masuk kerja hari ini aku sudah berdandan menurut seragam kerja resmiku dan aku berpaling sebentar di cermin kantor, dan melihat bahwa tidak ada yang salah dengan seragamku.

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Aku langsung tereak "YIPPE KAY YEY MOTHERFUCKER". Aku sendiri nggak ngerti dari mana asalnya dorongan untuk bilang itu.

Partnerku langsung narik bibirku yang riwil dan menggeretku menuju ruang interogasi, dan aku berkata dengan nada cool setelah berhasil membebaskan bibirku dari tangannya yang bau semur jengkol. "Siapa penjahatnya?" sambil melewati seorang wanita yang kelihatannya adalah seorang artis wanita terkenal yang kebetulan pacarnya diperiksa karena kasus video asusila, yang langsung pingsan karena ke-cool-anku berkata gitu, dan ngompol karena orgasme.

Partnerku menjawab datar,"seorang manajer kendaraan bekas dituntut oleh konsumennya yang membeli kendaraan bermerk Dahon di tokonya, karena begitu dibeli kaca spionnya gampang copot dan tidak bertanggung jawab menggantinya,"

"oh, jadi dia sekarang yang mau kita interogasi?"

"bukan, kita berhasil menggeret GM Dahon dari Jepang."

"eh?"

"incar bosnya, bukan kroconya."

"ah"

"itu prinsip kerjaku."

"ooohhhh..."

Kata ooohh terakhir ini bukan dari aku, tapi dari seorang pria yang kelihatannya adalah seorang penyanyi terkenal yang kebetulan diperiksa karena kasus video asusila, yang langsung pingsan karena ke-cool-an partnerku bilang itu, dan ngompol karena orgasme.

"HEA!!!" dengan tereakan ini rekanku mendobrak pintu ruang interogasi dengan gebrakan kakinya.

Seorang pria jepun duduk di tengah ruangan dan tergagap-gagap ngomong sesuatu dalam bahasa jepun. Mungkin kayak "wata ni ho junbe koro ni wa seko pupu la washita" atau kayak gitulah.

"NGAKUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!" partnerku mengeluarkan senapan mesin dan menembak dengan liar. Aku langsung menarik si jepun untuk tiarap.

Akhirnya pelurunya habis, setelah beberapa saat. Di kejauhan aku bisa mendengar suara ledakan dan orang menjerit, dan diakhiri dengan suara lenguhan. Feelingku berkata, yang terakhir itu keluar dari saksi kasus yang sedang diselidiki temanku, seorang wanita yang kelihatannya adalah seorang artis wanita terkenal yang kebetulan teman pacarnya diperiksa karena kasus video asusila, yang langsung pingsan karena ke-cool-an partnerku waktu tereak NGAKUUUUUU, dan ngompol karena orgasme.

"Dia cuma bisa bicara jepun, partner." kataku. "IYAIYAIYAIYA APAPAPA KAMUMAUAPAPAPAAAA" si jepun ini menjerit ketakutan.

"eh..kok bisa ngomong indonesia dia ini.." kataku sambil ngecek berkas kasus yang aku pegang.

"nggak tauuuu aku tau tau bisaaaaa gimanagimanakamukalianmaunyaapapapapaaa" jerit si orang jepun ini. Aku liat selangkangannya basah. Ngompol. Menakjubkan bukan, kekuatan bahasa peluru? batinku dalam hati. Eh tunggu, kenapa aku ngeliat selangkangan cowok? lanjut batinku.

"Bapak Dahon. Berdasar satu laporan dari konsumen di Showroom Dahon di wilayah Jalan Gajah Mada katanya bapak..."

"NGAKUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!" partnerku menghajar batang idung si orang jepun ini sekuat tenaga, bahkan sebelum aku selesai.

***

"please pak, aku nggak tau gimana ceritanyaaaa kok bisa gituuuu!" kata si jepun itu sementara partnerku mengisi pistolnya, mengokangnya, dan berucap dengan nada datar,

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"you dont mess with Zohan"

"Arnold, itu dari film hollywood. Kita sedang bikin sinetron disini. You itu cuman cerdas ngeluarin kata-kata mengancam aja" ucapku dengan sikap yang cool dan classy dan trendy. Aku bisa membayangkan diluar ada seorang lagi yang pingsan dan ngompol karena aku bicara dan bersikap se-cool ini, tapi bodo amat, aku sedang ada kasus sekarang. Aku membalik berkas kasus ini dan berkata kepada GM Dahon, "di berkas ini bapak bilang 'perusahaan Dahon yang saya pimpin tidak bertanggung jawab sepenuhnya atau sebagian terhadap produk barang baru dan apabila ada kerusakan maka perusahaan hanya akan mengganti spare part berdasar ketentuan garansi mesin/sparepart yang berlaku."

"Yayayaya benar pak, tapi ini kan berlaku untuk produk baru pak, tapi ini masalahnya kan mobil bekas...."

"mobil bekas katamu?' partnerku bersuara dengan nada yang datar dan dalam, mengingatkanku akan gelegak api dasar neraka.

"iya pak betul pak. lagian semua insiden ini membuat saya -mengucapkan satu kata bahasa jepun yang tidak dimengerti-"

"Apa?"

"saya bilang ini semua membuat saya -mengucapkan satu kata bahasa jepun yang tidak dimengerti-"

"apa itu -mengucapkan satu kata bahasa jepun yang tidak dimengerti-?" tanyaku.

"Mohon maaf pak, -mengucapkan satu kata bahasa jepun yang tidak dimengerti- itu artinya aku bingung ini ada apa dan aku benar benar ketakutan dan aku benar benar mohon maaf dan untuk menunjukkan penyesalanku aku akan harakiri dan akan muncul didepan anda sebagai hantu yang siap melakukan harakiri untuk menyesali kesalahan yang saya perbuat selama hidup ini"

"Masa satu kata itu panjang bener artinya?" tanyaku.

"Apa kau menjawab dengan jujur pertanyaan rekanku ini?" tanya partnerku.

"iya pak iy-" sayangnya dia tidak bisa menyelesaikan perkataannya karena dipotong oleh rekanku yang -

"NGAKUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!" dan melakukan high kick ke hidung bapak GM Dahon.


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visualisasi artis - red

***

Kami berdua duduk di kantor atasan kami, bapak komisaris yang sedang membaca dengan serius laporan kami. Hanya bunyi lembaran kertas yang dibalik, sementara partnerku sibuk dengan senjatanya dan aku menatap wajah Komisaris yang memiliki tutup mata satu ala bajak laut. Dia selalu mengatakan bahwa luka pada mata kanannya diperolehnya sewaktu dia masih prajurit rendahan di Vietnam, namun berdasar deduksi sempurnaku bahwa;
(a) komisaris orang indonesia dan bukan warga negara USA, dan
(b) komisaris menderita bintil kronis, dan
(c) komisaris fans berat One Piece dan Pirates of Caribbean,
menyebabkan setiap komisaris mengulangi cerita itu aku selalu meletakkan semua yang aku kerjakan dan mengumpulkan semua nafas di perutku dan berteriak dengan nafsu seubun-ubun "BULLSHIT" di kuping kanannya.

"Jadi pada akhirnya kalian memperoleh pengakuan Bapak Dahon, lengkap dengan hasil tes DNA, tes urin, tes darah, berikut hasil tes psikologis yang menunjukkan bahwa dia menderita gangguan jiwa.Hebatnya kalian juga mendapat sampel semen berikut hasil tes kesuburan dia. Hasil yang luar biasa." kata pak komisaris sambil menghembuskan asap cerutunya.

Partnerku hanya mendengus dan meneruskan mengisi senjatanya.

"Bagaimana kalian melakukannya, anak-anak?" tanyanya lagi setelah menghembuskan asap cerutunya.

"Arnold yang melakukannya pak. Dia bersumpah serapah didepan wajah Bapak GM Dahon selama 53 menit nonstop dan entah kenapa itu membuat Pak Dahon mengakui semuanya, termasuk semua cicilan kredit rumah dan kendaraan yang dia pakai."

"Kalau begitu aku punya kerjaan tambahan dari kasus ini buat kalian, anak-anak." katanya sambil menghembuskan asap cerutunya.

Aku dan Arnold menatap Pak Komisaris dalam diam, menanti perkataan yang akan keluar dari bibir jontornya.

Pak Komisaris menghembuskan asap cerutunya perlahan dan aku memandang asap itu. Kebiruan pucat, menari lembut diawang-awang dengan aroma yang perlahan mengabur. Itu membuatku teringat, entah kenapa setiap komisaris bicara bibirnya selalu menghembuskan asap cerutu, padahal dia sedang nggak merokok. Akhirnya Komisaris memecah keheningan ini, dan berucap dengan perlahan,

"Dahon yang dimaksud bukan Dahon mobil, tapi motor."

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